The Twisted Sisterhood: Unraveling the Dark Legacy of Female Friendships

You know all about the trouble with “mean girls” and competitive, judgmental women. Maybe you had a cruel high school experience straight out of the movie Carrie. Maybe you find yourself anxious because your daughter’s peers are excluding her. Maybe you’ve been harassed or marginalized by other females for being something they were or are not: fat, acne-prone, brainy, a different religion, too pretty, overconfident, a different kind of mother. Maybe you have a difficult female boss who is wreaking havoc on your ability to trust women in the workplace. And maybe you’ve shrugged it all off and figured: That’s just the way girls and women operate.

But have you ever considered what all this negativity is doing to us? The stories differ, and the consequences of our incivility range in severity, but one thing seems almost universal: Women carry powerful impressions and memories of their female-inflicted wounds. The hurt lingers.

In The Twisted Sisterhood, Kelly Valen picks up where her arresting New York Times essay about a painful sorority encounter left off. She pulls back the curtain on female relationships, revealing the troubling findings from her unique survey of more than three thousand women from all walks of life. Demonstrating the paradox of how we both support and sabotage one another, Valen’s research shows that although the vast majority of women report having at least one girl-friendship they wouldn’t want to live without, well over half approach female camaraderie with wariness or flat-out distrust and admit that they are unable—or unwilling—to extend themselves to certain types of women. An overwhelming majority say they have endured serious, life-altering knocks from other females, and a solid 97 percent of those polled believe it is crucial that we improve the female culture in this country.

Laying bare the legacy of the belittled “girl wars” across a woman’s life, The Twisted Sisterhood exposes the hidden, enduring, and widespread fallout of our manipulations and highlights our residual undercurrent of distrust. Capturing the true attitudes of modern women, Valen gives voice to the lingering memories, ambivalence, and struggles so many of us are quietly experiencing and considers the net effect of our darker habits: an increasingly inhospitable and dysfunctional society of women. Valen also looks to the future, offering hope and practical ideas for how girls and their mothers, women, and “sisters” can come together and improve their profoundly needed female connections.

No matter how content or supported you feel with your current circle of girlfriends, Valen explains, each of us holds a stake in helping foster a more mindful civility. Calling for a new normal in our relationships, her provocative and illuminating book is sure to spark a much-needed, meaningful dialogue that will inspire us to live and behave authentically for the betterment of our selves, our daughters, and the next generation of women.


From the Hardcover edition.